It's Your F@#$*! Nightmare

Ok just to make this known all of this was a nightmare i just woke up from and had to tell. None of this is real only my feelings and commentary after are true.
What the hell happened?
It started out somewhere along the lines of I, my mother, a boy ill refer to as J from my old school, and my friend ill call kid. J was a drug dealer and me and the kid were out making deliveries.
In the begging there was a war
That i very much didn't belong in and J saw that so he sent me and the kid out on a delivery. We were passing through something that was like an attic filled with junk and tables when a blonde lady asked if we knew about someone selling in her area and i said something along the lines of i heard there was but they moved on to a new area because they couldn't sell here then asked what we did and i made some excuse up that we work IT.
When
She says there is no IT and that she knows about us selling in her area and tried to attack me. The kid is pretty much not in my vision so i have no idea what he's doing. But as for the blonde I push her over the side of the ledge and she falls to the first floor, not that big of a drop but it does incapacitate her long enough for me to pick up the knife on the ground and wipe any trace of me off it. I look at the kids face who's horrified who says "no your not gonna do it are you?"
and i say "i have to or else she'll kill one of us"
Dramtic or true?
So basically by this time Ive hopped down to where she is and I'm sitting on her, when she begins to become lucid and i try not to do it slowly because as much as i need her dead it hurts to kill her so i plunge the knife in where i think her heart is but she starts screaming and screaming so i don't pull it out all the way but stab all around inside the hole I've already made! Then i try a new tactic
I pull out the blade
and stab her the the eye trying to hit her brain and end this misery all the while she's screaming OH GOD the screaming. She doesn't bleed like she should instead her eye is bloody looking but more along the lines of she was murdered days before and had no blood. I pull the knife out and feel for a heart beat just to be sure and stand up. I look down on her and i can see all the skin on her is becoming translucent and veins thousands of veins all over her body are turning crimson and its horrifying.
Then i wake up
with all the guilt of murdering someone in a dream. I still feel nauseous.
I can't even punch a person with the intent to seriously hurt them with all my force, let alone even think about stabbing someone. It was bad enough I broke into people's houses ( fragment of my dream im unsure about) and the fact that I was selling drugs but that. I was so cold about it too. I heard somewhere that dreams are there to either entertain you while you sleep, or create situations for survival? something like that but my brain must really think the wold's coming to hell in a handbasket for that situation to ever become true. It never will. I hope i never have a nightmare like that again -___-

"I'm going back to the start"

Xmas/ Winter break
So life in a V&G Lair is pretty tame once you've been around the world once or twice but maybe something tame is what i need. A break is a welcome change though a change i hadn't expected was feeling wierd about not being outside of the lair :/

Why is it that what i want is what i hate?

How you love to toy with me! Make me love being home alone now i hate the thought of it!
Make me love junk food and being lazy now its sick and i hate not doing anything (watching japanese dramas all day in bed doesnt count!)

Why is it that what we want isn't what we want at all? Why do we ever want it in the first place? Are these preconcieved notions of what we want opposed to what we need so far fetched and have such high expectations that once recieve what we wanted all along........
We dont want it at all?

Maybe going off on a tangent was the wrong way to go
SO CHRISTMAS HAS COME AND GONE
and normally I'd be a little more excited but im not
Christmas was neve a huge event with us, yeah freaking out over presents and all but once you got them all then what? Meh I dont know maybe its jsut getting older means its less exciting
I knew what most of what i got was HELL i wrapped my own presents @-@ i didnt look in the box it came in but i wrapped it!

SURE IT WAS FUN

the day before, the day of, and the day after, hell even the day after the day after was fun but..............really im such a in the moment person that even though they were fun right now im just feeling so meh about it because nothing is happening now :/

Maybe there's something wrong, selfish, stupid about it because if i were to have something to do tonight, i would decline because i've been out so much and been with friends and people that going out again today would just seen wrong.

Life in stride i suppose,
All in due time
Under no stress to change
Grabbing whatever happiness i can
Happily and enjoying each moment
i can indeed laugh ^ . ^ ok yes that was lame

haha but it made me feel good inside so its ok
I'm in no hurry to "grow up" or act "normal" like a normal girl my age would act but, I dont hurt anyone with how i act, in fact i like to think i help people by acting this was so who knows maybe im mature in a different way and who knows


maybe ill look good when im 50 since i dont drink, smoke, or have bad habits aside from eating junk food :)